"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it
with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It
travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and
broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to
die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not
theirs. There is only one remedy for it." [forgiveness] Lewis B. Smedes
We've all been hurt and we've all been taught about forgiveness. But
why is forgiveness so difficult? Perhaps one reason is because you
haven't been able to define forgiveness, or you think to forgive is to
forget, or you don't seem to have the 'feeling' of forgiveness. You may
understand forgiveness logically, and you agree it's the 'right thing to
do', but you simply don't know how. If so, you're not alone. I hope the
information you find here will help.
- Forgiveness is a decision to see the person as flawed.
- Forgiveness is deciding not to rehash the 'story'.
- Forgiveness does not mean you have to reunite with the person.
- Forgiveness does not require emotions or feelings.
- Forgiveness allows you to take back your emotional power.
- Forgiveness is giving up the desire for revenge.
- Forgiveness can be an 'intellectual' decision.
- Forgiveness is not a 'feeling'.
- Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.
- Forgiving someone does not mean they will change.
- Your peace is found in changing your mind, not in trying to change
- Each time you forgive, you're forgiving a part of yourself.
- You can choose to NOT have a relationship with the person.
- You don't need the other person's participation.
- You will always remember what happened.
- You do not need to understand or try to make sense out of what
- Your heart is changed. Your attitudes are changed and you free
yourself from the emotional bondage of the toxic effects of
unresolved anger.
- You release resentments. No more energy spent on analyzing, over
working, compulsively thinking about the person. Resentments fade.
- You see the flaws in the other person, and recognize how limited
humans can be . . . including yourself. Life is about making mistakes
and learning lessons.
- You stop thinking about revenge. Negative energy that interferes
with your emotional and physical well being are replaced with
positive thoughts.
- Benefits of forgiveness may include: Clearer thoughts, ability to
focus on your life goals, your relationships will be healthier, an
increase in energy, have fewer physical ailments, and increase your
self esteem. Liberated from the anger of the past, you are free to
live in the present, giving full attention to your life now . . . not
spending precious energy rehashing the past.
- Compassion replaces bitterness and anger. Your heart softens. You
don't take yourself and your life so seriously.
- You have an opportunity to start over with the person you forgive,
learn lessons and move forward. (If they still remain in your life.)
If someone has hurt you, broken your heart, abused you, either in
childhood or as an adult, and you feel angry, bitter or want revenge, you
most likely have not forgiven that person.
If the wrong doing of someone else has strongly affected you, many
areas of your life may have been disturbed. The betrayal of adultery, for
instance, may have involved a divorce, hurt for your children, financial
stress, relocating, harmed your self esteem and left your life in shambles.
You may even have misplaced guilt or distortions about guilt and anger.
Therapists know that frozen anger and unresolved painful emotions are
at the core of unforgiveness. The key in determining if you need to
forgive someone is found in how much anger you still have. Let's start
with a little quiz and find out how much unresolved anger might be
affecting your life:
- Are you a 'loner'?
- Are you afraid of intimacy?
- Do you want revenge against someone?
- Do others see you as hard to get to know?
- Do you project your anger onto others?
- Do you feel depressed most of the time?
- Do you ever feel bitter about how your life has gone so far?
- Do you avoid thinking or talking about the times you've
- Do others mentioned you might have an 'anger problem'?
Two YES answers--you may have anger and forgiveness issues.
Three YES answers--you most likely have anger issues.
Four or more YES answers--the quality of your life may be at risk, and
you may be prone to relationship or health problems.
In some cases, such as with victims of crime, or those traumatized by
another, may not have fully dealt with the intense emotions of the event.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a clinical diagnosis having to
do with frozen emotions and disturbing memories surrounding the
traumatic event. Trauma involves a highly emotional situation, usually
involving danger, terror or fear. For Victims of Crime, returning to
normal life is often an ongoing process. Forgiveness cannot be done
without processing the pain first.
When a person goes straight to forgiveness quickly after being hurt, they
are most likely attempting to avoid the emotional pain associated with
the traumatic experience. People who have been deeply injured or
emotionally wounded need time to deal with the effects on their life.
But when time comes for forgiveness, you regain your personal power . .
you will have the last word.
Yes. You may have difficulty forgiving another person, but you also may
need to forgive yourself. If you are struggling with the concept of
forgiveness, or want to stop carrying the heavy emotional burden of
anger, resentment, bitterness, or revenge, you may want to schedule a
with Dr. Lynne to obtain objective and professional support to begin
your healing process. There is hope and there is help. You don't need to
suffer another day. Dr. Logan is a Certified EMDR Therapist.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), is a powerful and
often rapid therapeutic technique, and can be used by a trained EMDR
therapist to help you effectively deal with forgiveness issues, as well as
anger, guilt and disturbing memories which you believe prevent you from
forgiving. EMDR is a breakthrough technique for dealing with many
emotional issues. EMDR information can be found on this website.
Tired of Anger? Tired of feeling hurt? Tired of bitterness? Guilt getting
in the way of forgiveness? Are you ready to forgive? Before you do the
following forgiveness exercise, read and ponder the thoughts below:
You can begin today to forgive, and release yourself from emotional
bondage with the following exercise:
- Think back over your entire life, including your childhood. Make a
list of ten people who hurt you. When you think of each person,
what emotions come up? Anger? Bitterness? Revenge? Guilt?
Write the feelings down next to their name, and any other feelings
you might have. This may take you a few hours or even spread out
over several days to complete.
- When you've completed your list and written your feelings down,
write a short letter to each person. The letter will have two short
paragraphs. The first paragraph states why you've been angry and
the second paragraph about your decision to forgive. Remember,
you do not have to have any feelings or emotions attached to the
letter. You are intellectually making the decision, not emotionally.
- When you have completed the letter, wad the paper up into a tight
ball with your fist, compressing it as small as you can. Then, do one
of the following things with it: - burn it in the fireplace
- throw it in the trash
This is a healing exercise for you, not intended to send the letter to
the person. You may decide to do this with your therapist. It won't take
long, and you will be well on your way to emotional freedom.
Forgiveness
| Forgiveness is Washing Off the Word "Anger" From Your Heart. |
| You Don't Forgive to Repair A Relationship, You Forgive to Repair Your Heart. |
| Without Forgiveness, Our Relationships Would Never Increase in Intimacy. Forgiveness is Essential for Love to Grow. |
| To Forgive is to Set a Prisoner Free, and Find Out the Prisoner Was You. Philip Yancey |
| No Matter Who You Are, No Matter What You've Done, No Matter What You're Going Through, Nothing Can Keep You From Hope. Cling to Hope. |
How To Forgive
Lynne Logan Ph.D., M.F.T.
Serving Orange County
The Medical Center
500 S. Anaheim Hills Road, Suite 202
Anaheim Hills, CA. 92807
Call 714-883-9722
Serving Orange County
The Medical Center
500 S. Anaheim Hills Road, Suite 202
Anaheim Hills, CA. 92807
Call 714-883-9722
How To Forgive
Lynne Logan Ph.D., M.F.T.
Serving Orange County
The Medical Center
500 S. Anaheim Hills Road, Suite 202
Anaheim Hills, CA. 92807
Call 714-883-9722
EMAIL: drlynnelogan@yahoo.com
Serving Orange County
The Medical Center
500 S. Anaheim Hills Road, Suite 202
Anaheim Hills, CA. 92807
Call 714-883-9722
EMAIL: drlynnelogan@yahoo.com
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| You must make the decision You will not remain stuck in your bitterness and hate. You must have grieved your injury and your loss, and felt the primal pain within your soul. The die has been cast, and you must admit your heart has been permanently scarred and your life is forever changed. You must decide the rest of your life will not be emotionally controlled by the harmful acts of another. Be brave . . . you will heal. No matter how difficult the circumstances are, God, time and forgiveness will help you heal. |
On This Page . . .
| Is at the Core of Resolving All Anger and Emotional Healing |
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| Lynne Logan Ph.D., M.F.T. Serving Orange County Medical Center 500 S. Anaheim Hills Road, Suite 202 Anaheim Hills, CA. 92807 Call 714-883-9722 |
| Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." Beverly Flanigan |
| Don't Regret What You Said. Regret What You Did'nt Say When You Had the Chance. |
| Forgiveness Means it Finally Becomes Unimportant that You Hit Back. Anne Lamott |
| Many Seasons Faded Before I Even Thought About the Word "Forgive." |
| Unforgiveness Keeps Us Trapped in Old Wounds and Old Feelings. |
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